“Theatre is my life,” said senior Logan Allen. He’s preparing for the titular role in Baylor’s production of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. “If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be willing to give myself to it.” Following this statement, Allen went to receive his last rites from the on-call ordained priest, and prepared for act two, where he would be killed on-stage. The Baylor Theatre Department, seeing they could finally get people to buy tickets for once, decided to step into viral marketing for a second time. Their first attempt, during Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, unfortunately led to that entire cast being sent to Hell for blasphemy. Murder, however, is more along God’s speed. A plague of locusts, a great flood, and now- a murderous barber.

 

The director, Lauren Weber, said the decision was obvious. “That’s how they did it on broadway, probably,” she said. “How else would you get all that delicious, delicious blood?” The props department, when approached for question, said “...we attempted to explain squibs to her, but she kept looking at our throats the whole time, frothing and drooling at the mouth. We stopped when she began growling.” Weber, in response to this, cast the aforementioned props master into the show, all the while licking her lips while wearing a bib and holding up a fork and knife in a bizarre, cartoonish manner. The purpose of such is yet unknown to us.

 

The cast, when asked about the decision, seemed split on the matter. Junior Tori Hedlund, in the role of Mrs. Lovett, seemed more split then anybody else, however, as she had been sliced in half like a ripe kiwi. When approached for comment, Hedlund simply stared into the nothingness in an apparent catatonia. Rude. On the other hand, an unnamed ensemble member (you wouldn’t care unless they were a named character anyways) stated, “We’re not masochists. I’m a masochist, and me alone. I’m edging to the thought of being slit later.” We ended up killing this one ourselves, as we didn’t want to interact with it much longer. It’s a good thing I kept my art major knife on me that day. I proceeded to hunt a photography major for sport to satiate the rest of my bloodlust. Lauren Weber, for reasons shrouded in mystery to myself, carried the carcasses over her shoulder to a large oven, where she proceeded to cook them. Again, we cannot comprehend what she could ever be doing this for.

 

In relation to having to kill his fellow castmates and students, Allen said, “Shit’s sick. I get to air out my frustrations about Psych 1301 on some gimp ensemble member with no repercussions. Death means nothing to me. I got a good deal with Lucifer. I just gotta learn how to play this fiddle real quick and I should be good.” Allen then proceeded to frustratedly practice the fiddle for 90 minutes before giving up, sagging his head, and walking away solemnly to the tune of Vince Guaraldi’s Christmas Time is Here- Instrumental. Senior Joseph Sherer, in the role of Anthony, said, “I’ve been having these blistering visions of hell and brimstone on a nightly basis, a horrid premonition awaiting every individual who involves themselves with this show. Torture beyond compare awaits all of us who participates in this department’s continued hellish activities. Daily I pray that God may forgive us for our transgressions. Or maybe it’s just stage fright.” 

 

While children were originally planned to be cast in the role of Tobias, all auditioners were unfortunately sent to Allbritton house, where Linda had their pineal glands harvested for adrenochrome. Instead, the department will use the most pint size actors they can find. While Tobias, in the script, never gets killed, they didn’t want the one surviving lead to feel left out. Once they run out of those little ones, they will cast offensive lineman/thespian Isaiah Robinson, as the Baylor football team, as shown last saturday, won’t be needed much longer.

 

Having been granted to see a preview of the show early, what can we say about it that hasn’t been said about Afghanistan- brutal, bloody, dusty, righteous, terroristic, and flavorful. In particular, the killing of Judge Turpin at the climax of the play was a sight to behold. Blood sprayed across the theater in a manner similar to daddy’s little girl after her first week in SoRo, covering every inch of the theatre. It reminded me of my time with the freemasons, before they got political.This rehearsal proved some valuable insight, however. It seems that prior to opening, the theatre department would use necromancy to revive actors following each rehearsal. When asked about why they don’t just revive everyone every night, theatre department head, Lisa Denman, stated, “Once killed, the students will be labeled as tax write-offs on Baylor’s W2, as mama only got so much money in the account.” Denman then escorted us out of her office realizing we were not, in fact, three kids in a trench coat, but only two. The biggest issue the production has had so far is with cleanup, as daily the walls warp from copious amounts of gushing red puss from the beheaded corpses of “broadway bound” theatre students. The clean up crew for the show consists solely of Lauren Weber, who always brings an iron cauldron and a comically large spoon to “...drink the blood in a briney broth of broiled bachelors of the arts.” Whatever could she be up to?

 

The biggest question we had for these actors was “How does it feel to pay $50k a year to be cast in a show?,” followed by the question of “Why? Why are you willing to give your lives for this?,” followed by “What’s your favorite part of the show?” Sherer, in response to the second question, said, “Oh. Let me think. I don’t know. Would I rather live in the memory of hundreds as having given my life to the theatre in the most profound way possible, or fizzle out in 40 years in a regional production Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: The Musical?” Allen, in a similarly profound manner, declared, “For the love of the game.”

 

If you miss the show, you can catch the actors at Penland for the rest of the month, where they will be served as meat pies. It sure beats whatever the hell is in the “World Crossroads” section. You may also meet Lauren Weber there, who always seems to be mysteriously hungry…