Everyone knows where they were for 9/11. Except for me, I was merely an egg in my mother’s womb. Ask your parents where they were for 9/11. They’ll know. Anyways, the day Canvas got chloroformed and hoisted into the back of a truck, I know where I was. I was watching the second tower fall, in real time. My carefully curated finals study schedule killed itself in front of me, in real time. My professors begrudgingly gave extensions to us poor emaciated beggars, in real time.

Somewhere, in a dingy basement, ShinyHunters has Canvas tied up, and Linda’s IT Guy™ on the phone. Their demands? Wealth, the boring answer. Understandable, yes, but boring. Should’ve asked for a job in computer science, would’ve made more sense in my opinion. Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, teach a man to fish, he’ll be insufferable in a Bass Pro Shop. 

When I asked ShinyHunters, “Why now, why Canvas? I mean, seriously it’s Canvas that’s so fucking boring,” they said, “Have you seen tuition costs?” and I immediately understood. Between watching my money go to another season of really shitty football and I Know Where I’m Going shirts, and some scrappy gen z hackers with RGB lights and a chip on their shoulder, I really don’t know what’s worse. All I know is one way or another, on May 12th, all the years I spent only allowing necessary cookies will go to shit, and my ad experience will be way more personalized, turning my unstructured data into actionable business insights, just what I dreamed of doing as a child.