On July 11th, 2026, United States senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina passed

away due to a sudden, “unforeseen”, medical condition. As a lifelong political figure, he was well known as the militaristic mad man of the senate. While the symptoms would later evolve into an insatiable appetite for foreign intervention, their earliest manifestations appeared decades before he ever set foot in office.

His violent tendencies were first expressed in the United States military, the one place

outside of an Academy Sports + Outdoors where the mentally ill are encouraged to handle a firearm. During basic training, his drill sergeant famously remarked that, “a soldier like him only comes along once in a thousand years.” Not because he followed orders, but because he shot anything that moved. Graham was often seen sucking his thumb underneath his favorite M252 81mm ballistic mortar, “givin’em hell.” The lightweight cannon was usually pointed in the direction of the most populated barracks on base, or when he was “feelin’ jiggy,” the nearest black person. It was the 90’s. Graham remained in service for over 30 years, ultimately retiring from the Air Force at the rank of colonel in 2015. During retirement, he frequented the local Bass Pro Shop, many gay bars, and Academy Sports + Outdoors.

Though it was able to briefly satisfy his thirst for violence, Graham's time firing bombs at

random tents in the military was only the beginning of his true, lifelong passion: firing bombs at random tents in the Middle East. After being sworn in to the United States Senate in 2003, Graham became an enthusiastic advocate of war in Iran, Iraq, and any other countries that end in -istan. When questioned by the press, he stated that the talks of a potential ground invasion, “got him feelin’ jiggy.” Pressured to clarify what exactly that meant, Graham rambled on about the 90’s before being ushered off the podium by his exhausted public relations team.Up until yesterday, Graham used his seat in the senate to support the Iran War/Conflict/Slight Disagreement alongside notable figures such as Mitch McConnell and President Trump. The (totally not) war has since spiraled into an international catastrophe in which boats can't pass the Strait of Hormuz and I have to ride my bike to work. It was in this moment of worldwide despair Graham decided it was a good time to make like the Republican party and split, conveniently, also alongside senator Mitch McConnell. Should the general public learn anything from the life and death of the American Little Rocket Man, they will elect someone under the age of 85 to take his place.