Point: It's Okay To Write Santa Letters in College
Written by Patricia Scrooge
Never let anyone rob you of your joy. I remember my family taking me to Macy’s every year when I was but a wee child to prepare for Christmas. My mom would buy gifts, my dad would be negligent, and I’d be with my since-outcast sister writing letters to Santa. We’d scribble down our most fantastical wishes in terrible handwriting— my sister would ask for some goddamn peace-loving California blue hair and pronouns anti-American woke hippie pinko commie bullshit, and I would humbly request a Polly Pocket set. Then on Christmas morning, like magic, I’d find a Polly Pocket set under the tree from Santa and my bitch sister would still be complaining about not getting peace on earth. That’s not what Christmas is about, you ignorant slut! Christmas is about getting a Polly Pocket set and supporting your local international conglomerate toy peddlers. Lately though, it seems like her wishes are finally coming true.
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Now, the woke mob is trying to cancel Christmas. They’re trying to tell you Santa isn’t real. They’re trying to tell you that the parents put the presents under the tree. Well I know my poor parents wouldn’t put in the effort for one night of the year just to pull one over on us! They’re better than that. That’s why I spread Christmas cheer wherever I can! In stores, I don’t say “Happy Holidays.” I say “Merry Christmas,” and I pipe down at the Kosher bagel shop. I swapped out my pepper spray for peppermint spray, and it makes the eyes of my assailants so much sweeter! When I call the PiKapp pledge class to come run a train on me, I call them “The Polar Express”!
Most importantly, though, I keep writing Santa letters. Of course, he knows I’m grown now, and he understands that my list is a little more adult. This year, I made sure he knew what I REALLY want:
• Rae Dunn Sugar Jar
• Rose Toy w/ realllly good battery life
• Connor to grow a pair, propose
• The pregnancy to be a false positive
• Israel win
• Good dick
• Magnolia Kitchen Set
• Russia win
• Wokie death
• Women’s wrongs
• A nuclear family
• Snow bunny heaven
• Put the Christ back in Christmas
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Trust me- according to the Daily Wire, I’ve been nice this year. Santa WILL get me what I want. I know it. He’ll be the 38th person to come down my chimney this year, and the 39th to have sex with me.
Counter Point: Santa Doesn't Provide Humanitarian Aid
Written by Sarah Scrooge
Santa Claus is nothing but a pompous bourgeois pig. When I was 7 years old, I asked Santa for two things: a Flutterbye Fairy, and peace in the Middle East. Not only did I not get my Flutterbye Fairy, but Santa got my bitch sister another Polly Pocket set AND neglected Afghanistan completely. If a few Navy Seals are willing to die for our country, why shouldn’t Blitzen give his life in a blitzkrieg? Bowl full of jelly? Try a hole full of corpses.
And don’t be pedantic with me and say “Oh, it’s a no-fly zone!” He’s SANTA CLAUS. He makes REINDEER FLY. He can do ANYTHING. But apparently the children in Russia are more deserving of toys than the children in the Kyiv Oblast are deserving of medical attention. When he made his list and checked it twice, did he just forget the entire youth population of Ukraine? I doubt it. He knows what he’s doing. He couldn’t even put them on the naughty list and give them coal for a fire.
Furthermore, Santa’s sleigh was designed and paid for by Lockheed Martin. More nimble elves get sent there every day to help assemble weapons of mass destruction. He’s only able to afford materials for toys because of his complacency in their war profiteering. I’ve seen St. Nick’s signature on the ledgers, I’ve seen photos of him with Jim Taiclet, and I’ve seen the gift wrap on their new warheads. You know what Santa got for Christmas? Gingerbread genocide.
And to say he’s not real is absurd. Of course he’s fucking real. Our neglectful parents wouldn’t put in the effort for one night of the year just to pull one over on us! They’re worse than that. Plus, everytime I walk by him at the mall, he stares me in the eye, touches the side of his nose, and mouths only one word- “Israel.” Fuck you, big man. Fuck. You.